ever sure as the sun will rise.

i think i'm getting sick.
and not the sick that goes away in a week.

my sides have been hurting. and feeling weird. i've been on my "period" for a while (5.5 months.) i'd rather just call it "blood constantly falling out of my crotch." well now i'm feeling weak. could be because i'm getting a cold or flu. idk.

oh...and don't think i know this isn't normal. i just haven't had the money to take care of it. they'd just tell me i'm overweight anyway. they'd rather just pin that on me since its right in front of their face. and it could possibly be true.

i have lost 10 pounds. i measured myself just to see if there was a difference in my stomach or anything. i would have taken anything.

no...no difference at all. i started bawling. i'm just frustrated i guess. oh well. it'll happen. at least i'm able to lose weight. i was worried i wouldn't be able to. but its definitely because i was SUPER active when i worked at Rocke's. lifting SUPER heavy boxes and running around. it was super. <-ha.
***
oh yeah..and its 2008. just one resolution: lose some weight.
***
i like new years. they're refreshing. they give me hope to make better of myself or my life. and experience new things. 2007 brought a lot of different possibilities and different chances. each possibility and chance i just took in stride.

i can never say any year was boring. its fun to look back and think of all the different things that happened in the past 12 months. i made some new friends and lost some. i'd like to call the friend(s) i lost baggage.

i still have some baggage with me that i need to get rid of. she's irratating. and i'm hoping it will happen within the next month or two. i don't like her anymore. i'm fake with her. and i use her just so i'm not stuck at home bored. i don't like that part of me. i don't like being fake. i'm not in HS. although...i haven't always been fake with her.

just the past month for the sake of my mom. she loves her. and i feel bad...i hate it when my mom gets attached to people in my life. b/c they never seem to stay. but the people who do stay...she has no interest in getting to know them. not to be mean...i'm not sure why she does that. haha.
anyway.

and i hate it that i wish the worst for her. deep down i'm not that kind of person. but god, when it comes to her. i just..all these terrible thoughts occur to me. like for instance: i hope her "engagement"fails and she's alone for a long time. you know...the day she ditched me for her girlfriend...she said, "i don't want to be alone forever, Kristen." i should have snapped back that neither do i ...but i wouldn't sacrifice a friendship for someone i barely know. who's also making you compete with her ex-girlfriend. its lame and it reminds me that Erin is just pathetic and makes me sick to my stomach. i hope my life never comes to desperation. its unflattering.

ANYWAY. see? she makes me a bad person. sorry...resolution number two: get rid of excess baggage. AKA: erin.
***
somehow...i'm okay with not having a boyfriend. i got thinking about it...i lost my virginity on dec.5th. and you know...that day flew by without me realizing it. and it also reminds me that its been 4 years since i've had a genuine boyfriend. is it because i'm not desperate for someone? or is it b/c no one is interested in this body? in this personality?

i know i'm annoying. and i know i'm not funny the more you get to know me. and i know i'm boring when you first meet me. i seem like the dullest person ever. so i'm starting to think i'm not going to meet anyone who is worth my time.
and you know.
i'm okay with that.

i prefer to be alone for the rest of my life rather than accidentally stuck with someone who drives me absolutely nuts.

and being alone has its benefits and perks! i can do whatever i choose. i can kiss whomever i want! i can move across the US without worrying. I don't want to be attached right now. i want to leave this state soon. even if i move in slow motion---it will happen. i WILL get of here. and its not that i'm really trapped anymore. or that i feel like i'm suffucating. its more that i want to experience a different life. experince different places.

i can't do that with a boyfriend. unless of course they wanted to join me...but then i'd feel obligated to ask if they were enjoying themselves or if we should just go back home (peoria.)
i don't want that. ..


i refuse to have that.

anyway. i think thats it for right now!