my dreams aren't clear
not since you started drinking

the alcohol is more important
my dreams are clouded by your smoke

pink and yellow curtains
flow in the sunlight

i'm sure it would otherwise be a good day
if you were still here

you'd smile and say, "lets go walk,
no shoes allowed, mommy!"

and i'd smile back at you and say, "no, shoes are required!"
hearing your voice whine in protest

would be music to my ears
your toys glimmer in the light

i sit next to a doll
with her face squished

her hair on it's last hinge
looking swallow and sad

i methodically pick her up,
Susie is her name

you named her after your favorite book character
sometimes you'd skip around the house

your tiny fingers would encompass
her entire arm

singing, "Susie-q, i love you, Susie-q."
the halls are so silent

i take Susie to the kitchen
where i place her by the sink

she looks so sad
i can't stand the way she looks at me

standing by the sunlight,
i'm sure you provided for me

i take Susie and throw her in the trash
like how God threw you away

took your last breath from us
closed the lid on you

i can hear your protests in my ears
my imagination running wild,

taking me to you
closing my eyes

i see you in the sunlight
and i whisper,

"it's been 20 years,
happy birthday, baby girl."

i hear you giggle and say, "i love you, mommy!"
and i whisper, "i will always, always love you."

and i know it's time to let her go

she cries in the middle of the night
i pretend not to listen
i'd rather sleep
i'm not a mother
i'm selfish and incoherent
in my dreams i never had this
in my dreams i don't hear a child
in my dreams i don't have to get up

and breastfeed


i'm a mother who doesn't care
i warned him
if we weren't careful this would happen
he didn't believe me
said that,
"all women have a motherly instinct,
i'm sure it's there in you, somewhere"
i ran to the bathroom to puke
not sure if it was your answer
or if it was the baby


now i hear the baby
and you try to shake me awake
like you expect me to be the one to rise
i crawl deeper


pulling the covers roughly over my head
"no," i hoarsely choke out,
"let her cry for all i care"


i feel you tense
your hand pulls away quickly
"how could you..."
you pause for a minute
i feel an argument coming
so i stop it short
"i warned you, didn't i?"
although it's not a question

and i hear your lip quivering as you say,
"she loves you and needs you, can't you spare some remorse"
you never were much of a man
and i was never much of a woman

cold as the nightfall
delicate as the snowflake
she floats
in her black dress
she floats across your chest
she keeps your breast rising
keeps you guessing
where her lips will land next
her foot grazes your ankle
she comes down from heaven
lifting you
showing no remorse
fast-paced and full of hate
heat melts the snowflake

long & dirty. don't read if you don't like sexual.

WARNING:VERY VERY SEXUAL. DO NOT READ IF YOU THINK IT'S OFFENSIVE OR SOMETHING.


your hand slowly caresses my shoulder
i freeze where i'm at


standing in the snow
waiting for the car
it's so cold.

your hand has a power
liquid warmth falls

all over me.

no longer waiting for that car
i'm waiting for your hand to touch me again

"she's coming soon. we'll be going home soon."

home as in separate entities
i want you home with me.
"we should do something, anything, let's just hang out"

"i have a lot of stuff to do when i get home"

your eyes shined brightly at my suggestion
i saw it
you want to fuck, too.

"you have no choice"
i make my voice firm
subtly letting you know i'm horny

we make it home in one piece
my vagina hasn't fallen apart yet
though it throbs and aches
i'm sure it can wait a few minutes longer

we slowly walk to the front door
taking our time
making our presence together seem casual
who are we to impress
who are we to be wary of

i practically shove you through the door
you whisper that your parents are home
i chuckle and run up the stairs and burst through your door
to your small room
with clouds on the ceiling, made for a girl
but you are a boy
a big boy, with a big toy
again, my vagina throbs

"lets skip foreplay, i don't need it"
i run my hands up his shirt, removing it in one instant

"can't we take it slow this time"

you always want to take it slow
like we're in love or something
you're just that guy i run to for sex
you don't understand
and that scares me

"no"

after all the undressing and obscenities
you're inside me
rhythmical
my skin shoots electric currents ten-thousand times more
than i'd usually experience when you touch me
my senses are aware of everything
your scent
your hot, sweaty skin smooth against mine

my hips suddenly stop





"what's wrong"
you whisper again, concern dripping in your voice

"i'm..."
i can't say it


but i have to
it's an epiphany

i have to share it

"i'm in love with you"

"finally, you admit it. i know you are"

he quietly whispers he loves me, too
we stop fucking
and take it slow

"please shut up
you just don't understand"

[i try to remember how to breathe as I'm speaking]

points and letters fall
from my dirty mouth
my dirty nails
scrap my skin, and break the surface


[i can't bring myself to breathe]


blood slowly seeps to the surface
shining brightly in the light
my stomach churns
my nose thinks it can smell
the bitter, salty smell of fresh blood


[i can no longer breathe, as I'm convulsing]

something in me snaps
and i try again

i hear the scraping of my skin
i feel no pain as the blood pours from my skin

"no, you wouldn't understand,
and you don't want to"

i'm slowly killing myself
ever so slowly, death will kiss me goodnight

you really shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't.

three times is too many, twice is enough, once killed me.

i’m quitting this whole “fantasy” over you. i’m tired of wondering, tired of feeling not good enough. someday, someday some MAN will look at me and just know, he will just know i’m “it.” there won’t be a long process of confusion and suffering. it will just happen naturally.

bullshit on this whole, “you have to be best friends first.” fuck that. i’m done with that. i’ve tried to many fucking goddamn times, and i’m so angry i quit it.

that’s it.

to be a child
hearing the adults fight
not understanding
to be a child
have no voice
against all the "no's"
to be a child
no safe place
for me to hide
to be a child
arguments among friends
i pinch her
she pinches me
to be a child
the pressure to succeed
and we constantly fail
to be a child
to fall on my knees
skinning my palms
rocks inserted painfully, deeply
to be a child
run screaming
push that boy down
to be a child
who never gets a chance
who is never good enough
who doesn't run fast
who's lonely
to be a child who is depressed
doesn't understand those feelings of despair
because i'm just a child.