i'm not sure why i even keep a blog.
my life isn't interesting.
***
i kind of miss mary. it was nice having her around for 3 weeks. it was nice being able to hang out with someone at any time of day.
plus...i miss kristen, her, and i. there's something about her that just ties us all together. its kind of weird...i'm not sure how to even explain it. like..me and kristen have our own special bond. and then me and mary have our own. and they have their own. but...when its the three of us. i don't know...its just unexplainable.
*sigh*
why is it...that all throughout highschool i wanted to have a bond like this. and i finally have it...but one of the persons lives far away.
oh well. i'm just thankful i have it:)
even though i know it won't be like this forever. i know things will change. they all ready did when mary moved...and are they are still changing. with kristen going to third now.
i've come to accept change now. well...i don't really accept it...its something i really don't have a chose about. i still hate it. but...i'm learning to live with it.
***
and i think i'm finally starting to feel better about the whole marriage thing. i'm not so bitter anymore. i'm not sure what it was.
but...i still have problems thinking about a guy "taking care of me" and being the "breadwinner." that still angers me. but...i think i should put that anger into something positive. when i do finally meet someone i'll make it clear that i'm not a woman who needs taken care of. that i'm independent...i have my OWN views, opinions, decisions. and that even though the marriage does bind us into one person...i'm still going to have time to be my own person. so that i don't lose who i am. because i think thats what scares me the most.
and the whole "breadwinner" thing. i probably will stay home with the kids for a few months. but i will have my own career. i don't want to give my future husband an excuse to tell me that i can't buy what i want or do what i want.
anyway.
***
i dyed my hair. its really blonde. i kind of don't like it.
but...its slowly growing on me.
***
me and sam were supposed to hang out today. she called me around 11:30 or 12 and told me that her friend danielle was coming over. and that she was going to go out with her.
ouch. that kind of hurts. i was looking forward to seeing the girls. especially the baby. i haven't seen the baby in weeks.
i think i'm jealous of danielle. who knows. and its the whole...danielle has kids so she understands.
and i don't.
and i won't for a while. oh well.
***
i'm not sure whats going on...but everything seems to be falling apart.
i'm kind of just going with the flow.
first courtney...meh. who cares. and now sam...josh is leaving...kristen with third shift.
hmm...
oh well..i think its just a rough spot. everything will be okay eventually.
***
g'nite

i'm not doing anything this weekend.
and then kristen is now going to third, josh is leaving in a month, and erin is moving to chicago.
so i've come to the conclusion that i need to make more friends.
actually...i need to hang out with people that i want to be friends with. because i have a lot of "friends" that i just don't hang out with.
*sigh*
i still feel torn.
i think i'm ready to move. i kind of feel like its starting to become my time. like...there are things setting me up for it.
well..needless to say...i'm a little depressed.

wow.
i just realized today was bryce's birthday. he's 24 now. dang. he was 20 when we started going out.
its going to be 4 years since we went out.
shit.
now he's married and having a kid.
24 seems so old. i remember when he turned 21. and all he did was go out and drink.

hands down. this is the best date i could ever remember. always remember the sound of the stereo. dim of the soft lights. the scent of you hair. and the time on the clock when we realized its so late. and this walk that we shared together. the streets were wet. and the gates were locked. so i jumped it and let you in. and you stood at the door with your hands on my waist. and you kissed me like you meant it. and i knew...that you meant it.
and i knew...
that you meant it.


i hate men.

i'm never fucking good enough.