this is the future

its so funny to me that i can see hundreds of guys in the span of days, weeks, months, etc and only every so often i'll get butterflies for one guy.

i think the last time i got butterflies for someone is was months ago. and it just happened with some guy on flickr. lame...i know. but i was attracted to him. its weird. its like---whats different from these guys i get butterflies for then from the guys that i think are cute? you know? i don't see anything special with this guy..he could be a guy from wal-mart i'd see. but i guarantee if i look at this picture in a month or two--i'll still have the same feeling in my stomach. http://www.flickr.com/photos/douchebomb/2267251489/
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sometimes i'll have a random thought..of what my future husband (if i get married) is doing RIGHT that second. while i'm driving or doing the dishes or cleaning or anything.
i don't always think about it. it'll just be a random thought that hits me every once in a while. its kind of an interesting thought. makes me even more curious though. like---what is he doing right now? while i'm typing this. is he sleeping? because he's in a different time zone? or is it early morning and he just woke up? or is he in a dorm at school...or is he at a party right now with all of his friends. or could he be at work? or could he be sick? could he be angry? happy? sad? ecstatic about something? worried?

its just a curious thought and its fun to ponder about. i think i'll probably be thinking about it more often now that i've written this entry. and its permanatly etched in my mind..not just a random thought anymore.

i cling to the life i used to have
with these bleeding scabbed hands
i'm falling farther and farther away
from who i used to really be
the child in me screams
as the adult in me kills her
i'm beating her out of my system
and learning to live this life
i'm no longer carefree
i no longer have an imagination
the colors and paint are dull
and i see no creativity
the little girl within me is dying
and i just don't care anymore
i'll bury her underneath bills

the sun is shining
and the snow is glistening
i'm walking through the wake
of a newborn life
the sky is as blue
as the shine in your eyes
and the love i'm holding
in my newly wed hands
is all i'll never leave

a shameless soul
leads a broken life
she's never been perfect
and she doesn't fit in
life is rough
but she puts her faith into a little book
prays that someone will rescue her soul
from this torn bridge
between two worlds
of happiness and solitude
grief and pain
one day someone will hug her
and say "it'll all be fine"
until that days comes
she just holds her head high
and at night prays

i'm a little bit wrong
but i won't admit it
i'm a little bit stubborn
but i won't admit it
i'm unpredictable
but i love routine
i can't take change
so if you want to deal with me
i'll let you know
i can be a little annoying
i can be a little agitating
the way i get
once i've gotten excited
if you want to love me
i'll let you know right now
i'll have an amazing love
no one could love you like i could love you
i'm unique and weird
but i'm serious and compassionate
and i would love to let you know me