matters of the h.e.a.r.t.

i really don't like my life anymore. and i really should appreciate what i have. life is so precious and fragile.

its just hard to face the fact that i'm so alone. i guess i should have learned that a long time ago. i've just never wanted to believe that no one cared about me. i thought having friends proved that people did love me.

it really proves nothing. it just proves that i'm a dependent and needy person. i need to learn to like being alone. that it really IS okay. so i quit feeling so abandonded when my "friends" don't ask to hang out with me. it hurts me to the core. i just wonder what it is about me that i'm not worth being around or hanging out with. the only time i ever get to hang out with people is when i ask them if they want to do something! (with the exception of kristen and shannan).

i mean...i've always known that i'm a people person. i have to have friends to function. its just the way i am. but i'm sick of being hurt. and if i'm being hurt...that means i'm too dependent, right? or maybe...my feelings are genuine and i should feel hurt. wtf? you know...why do i always blame myself? what if for once i blame my "friends" this time. it would just be nice to be appreciated and loved.

i'm a-okay.

hey i'm okay with being single. i like it. it does make me feel independent.

so since i'm comfortable with the fact that i'm not going to have a date for the big V-Day. i'm not going to drawl on about it.

but i do have a couple fun facts!

-Valentine's day has actually been celebrated for hundreds of years! It was declared a feast day in the year 496!!

-In medieval Europe, people believed that birds chose their mates on February 14 each year!

***
on to other things. i'm sick and tired of celebrities. even though Heath Ledger's death was sad and a shocker, i really hope that others see it as a lesson. Its sad what young hollywood has come to these days. Honestly...
and you know...i grew up with a lot of these young celebrities. I looked up to them and idolized them...had their posters on my wall, wanted to be their friend because i thought they were AMAZING and perfect.
and now i just think they're a bunch of pathetic drug addicts oh...and not to mention anorexics. anorexia seems to be the running trend. and now i just wonder what kind of drugs they're taking so that they STAY that skinny.
its sick. and it makes me sicker that ACTUAL young celebrities these days are on their way down the same road quicker then the celebrites i idolized when i was little. damn. i mean...look at jamie spears? 16 and pregnant. if you're going to be in the spotlight---be a good role model. You have millions of little girls watching your moves. And then there's that one girl from High School musical. Her OH SO LOVELY half naked (were they naked?) pictures on her phone.

i'm just irked. and pissed off. i guess its because Kirsten Dunst is now in rehab. and its sad. because i've loved her since i was little. and i love the spiderman movies! and you know what? she's practically ruined them because now i'm wondering if she's sober in any of them.
i don't even remember the first movie i saw with her. I think Dick. back in like...1998? little woman? i don't remember. Fact is....i loved her...and even though i knew in the back of my mind she was fucked up...its still a huge blow.

some girls cute quote on myspace. i'm afraid of what people think of me...and kind of afraid to do things on my own because of it. so this kind of gives me inspiration.

"i was once afraid to do things on my own & with that, never did anything.but i know now that the greatest motivation, is self devistation. & that i can do anything.i know that i dont need other people to help me do things."

not the greatest entry. i'm exhausted and brain tired.

i feel a little disturbed. i was okay until my mom said she looked like a mental patient.

but my mom is also a little dramatic too. so i take her words and advice with a grain of salt. she looked pretty serious though. and kind of disturbed too.

i came across a picture of alison on myspace. i wish i could message her. its a creepy picture. and it could be her just being artsy. but who knows.
and if i did try to message her...idk what i'd say. i'll probably message her sometime soon. maybe i'll let myself forget i came across her myspace and then the next time i remember...i'll message her.

i do miss her. a lot actually. i think about her often. you know...there are some people i can just say goodbye to. but with her..its been really hard. i just got to thinking about all the good times we had. and even though they were great...i still wonder how many of them were fake. its like...we really had a great friendship. but she had so many issues...do any of the memories really count?

***
anyway.

i'm scared to go to california. but kristen says thats the reason i should go. why is there a part of me that wants to jump into the water but the other part wants to stay on the beach?
why do i have to be so torn? why can't i just make a quick decision and stick with it, dammit.

you could say i'm a little frustrated. i want to stay in illinois and just have a little life. wonder what would have happened if i had gone to california.

the other part of me is like, "lets just jump in the car right now and GO. lets GO! why should we stay here any longer?! DO YOU WANT REGRET LATER IN LIFE??!!?!"

damn. i'm going. wtf am i talking about? i'm shutting up the hermit now.
***

i feel like my friendships are faltering. not with me and kristen. but with everyone else its like that. i rarely see anyone anymore and its really sad. i just hope that michaline doesn't think that now that she's married she has to give up her life. i'm afraid thats going to happen. :(
i just miss my friends.
***
and then there are some people i just wish would get the fuck away. i accidentally texted erin the other night when i was t-rashed.
now we are talking a little bit. i was actually happy about it! kind of like...okay..maybe its different this time.
WHY DO I ALWAYS THINK ITS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT?
WHY DO I FALL FOR IT EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN TIME?
its like i'm putting my heart in a trap and letting her snap on it.

she admitted that night that she was bad at balancing friendships with relationships...and i told her "yeah, you're awful at it."

and she asked me the night before her birthday if i wanted to go out. and i said sure...and then she said angela was coming. ug. i had to go to a birthday party anyway...so i told her maybe some other time.
and then the friday after that she asked if i had plans and i told her no...and she asked if it was okay with angela coming along. and you know...it really fucking pissed me off. i haven't seen her in how many months now?! and she can't have ONE night where we hang out. and i told her..."i thought we could hang out by ourselves but apparently not." and she said that angela told her to go by herself blah blah blah...but i said..."well...its okay b/c there really isn't anything to do anyway."
and she never responded.
i felt dumb and hurt.
mostly i felt dumb b/c i knew it would happen again.

and you know...its funny...i have courtney in the back of my mind lecturing me on this. i'm not sure why its courtney! weird. you know...i find myself wishing i was her friend still sometimes. (this is going to be a really bad entry. i'm exhausted and can't construct sentences very well). mostly just for the little things...like finding that picture of alison. there were some other little things. i can't remember...i was JUST thinking about her last night...but i can't remember why or what about.
i don't know. i just have to remember...that alison and courtney were in a part of my life when i was a different person. when they were different people too. if i think back...god we've all 3 changed so much. its crazy.
and you know...me and courtney stopped being friends for a long time. and i don't remember how but...became friends again. and i think it was forced. we just didn't have that connection anymore. no matter how hard we tried. i just...i didn't feel closeness with her at all. like she wasn't really even a friend. just someone to hang out with and talk to. i love her though. because of what we had. so don't get me wrong.

and the same thing happened with me and alison. it was also forced. i quickly gave up on that reunion. i knew it was going nowhere.

i think when you first become (real) friends with a person...at first its meant to be. so you have a connection. you have things to talk about and similar interests. but if that bond breaks b/c of a fight or unexpected occurence and you don't talk for ages and ages...something happens. you change with every second of the day. so if you didn't continue to grow together......there's no longer a connection. no matter how hard you try.

there are exceptions though. and maybe this is just with me! idk. like, when me and mary were friends and then not friends...and then friends again and she became one of my best friends. somehow no matter how much we had changed...our paths were still connected.

anyway. i'm really hoping this all made sense. i feel kind of unsatisfied about it because i'm tired. i don't know how much i'll appreciate it in the morning. haha.

oh and to erin: FUCK YOU. :)

i'm not a fan. i'm a man.

i don't know why i'm afraid of what people think of me. i feel like every move i make is being judged even by random strangers! in the back of my mind i know its ridiculous and i should just be myself all the time. but something holds me back. i just have these terrible scenarios in my head.

i know i'm missing back in life because of this and its holding me back.

i could be out right now taking pictures but i don't know who's looking at me. and i don't want them to say anything bad about me. and i'm even talking about people on the highway! i guess i'm most afraid of someone i know seeing me. maybe thats what my fear is.

i'm such a lame person. i need to work on that. not caring what other people think. there's a new challenge. i like challenges and working on myself. because when all is done and what i've worked on is good...i feel fullfilled and accomplished.

anyway. this entry was pretty speratic.