i have no words
poems are useless
sleep is my reality

dreams are better than life

This poem is for you
The girl who cries
Harder than her soul can manage
This poem is for you too

You are brave
You are strong

Those words mean nothing
unless you believe them
Feel them
Say them
You'll wonder how you couldn't see

You are brave
You are strong

Say goodbye.
You'll manage.

I've been abandoned
Perching on my tongue
Are bitter words

I haven't had a chance to say.


You are guilty of abandonment
Of leaving me in the cold
Your use
Is so much more important
Your disease
Is so much more important

I consule my thoughts, my aching soul
My rejected heart
That you're using again
I consule my ego with thoughts of you abusing substances
Instead of thoughts that I wasn't good enough

Pretty enough.

Selfishly it makes me feel better
Thinking of you being dirty again
Rather than you leaving me
Because I'm ugly.

And he touched me
Without any reason to believe
Without reason to hurt

My cold
My cold breathe
Swept him into a million pieces
Laying into a pile

So heavenly withdrawn from the ground
So perfectly withdrawn from the crowd
In so many ways he touched me

My shiver melted his fingers
Which lay stifled on my back
The part that dips and curves
The part that men drift their hands across
While walking into a crowded room

Filled with noise and contempt
The air was stagnant with wine and cigar smoke
Some fantasy that came true
While the drifting noise hit my ears
You shifted across the room in three steps
And placed your cold, dead hand on my hip
Leading me to the floor

The floor of where
I did not know
you hummed your beck and call
While I closed my eyes
The eyes, they bore into me
You
While we twirled

Your fingers yet again
They melted
My breathe on your neck
It made you crumble

No longer the little girl I used to be
You no longer the brazen man
The stench of wine kept us moving.

i'm getting profile views. it's creeping me out. i don't know who is looking. i may have to move my stuff to a new journal and delete this one. i never wanted profile views.

just for a moment
her arm went the distance

she reached
she stretched
her long fingers coiled

sometimes believing just isn't enough
and love isn't kept
just for the sake of keeping
it's slowing
it's heart renchingly beautiful
it's fast paced
and sometimes it screams

but she tries
she keeps stretching her arm
her hand
her long fingers
towards his body
where she feels his pull
the gravity washing him further away

the rings are black
around your eye
please

tell me what you want me to do
should i hold you close?
let you cry?

should i push you out the door?
should i push you to make that call?

your cheeks are swelling
pink and purple
with abuse
scratches mark your pale arm

"i can't call, i can't call just yet...i'm not ready"

i let you whisper your words
with breathe so faint it smells sweet
your lips don't move
tissue filling with blood

as you change your sweater
the strings quartet along the hem
the little things seem huge
the little things seem definite

"we'll wait until you're ready, but you will call soon"
my words come out forced, heavy
i want to hold you again
hold you so close, protect you from that man
you don't want to be protected

you want to run back to him

i'll lock the doors
cuff you to a chair
take the battery out of your car
let your keys suddenly disappear
before i'll willingly let you go

your sweater, it comes off around your head
your head hunched to your chest
i see the bruises
the extent of the torment, the tirade
the rage

i hate him

you're sad and i can feel that
with my heart
i suck at poetry.

No particular order.

Things To Do Before I Die:

1.) Pet a tiger.
2.) Travel to Europe. Explore.
3.) Own my own house.
4.) Have my own garden.
5.) Marry someone who I know will be the love of my life, and we will be together forever.
6.) Publish a book of poems.
7.) Write a children's book.
8.) Jump out of an airplane.
9.) Own my own shop. Preferably a Photography shop.

i'll work on this later.

if there's a story
i'll tell it


stars were our shelter
that corner lot
was our outlet

your kiss
was like the earth tilted
and tumbled back

faster than a second
but slower than a minute

you have been the only one
to speed up time
and slow it down
when your lips were on mine

God, that was so long ago
shouldn't i be thinking other things
sometimes you cross my mind

the pain is in my heart
for good, i guess
even when i see you now
see how bad you're doing
i see a boy

a boy who treated me badly
but i fell in love with anyway
a boy who was worthless
but was my whole world
i should have never let you

i should have never let you hold my hand
kiss me, or hug me
or tell me i was beautiful
with your hand resting on my chin
bringing my eyes to your's
kissing my lips
on the hot summer moon-lit path
i still think of those moments
wishing i was 17 again
you were nothing good
my 23 year old heart knows that


i saw you again the other night
it had been 4 years
your beard was gnarly, outgrown
your gut hung over your belt

i saw the boy underneath
my palms were sweaty
just like how they used to get
when i'd see you
standing outside in my driveway
waiting for me to come out

6 years later and you still do the same shit to me
you bastard
why don't i get some control?
i was longing for your arms to be around me
for you to speak to me
..

vivid memories still haunt me
i'll find someone someday
who will actually treat me well
who will prefer me to be their wife
instead of a convenience.

i need you to kiss me
i’m desperate
i need to be kissed by you
feel your touch
all over me

your hand running through my hair
your hot breathe on my moist neck
as i lick your ear
i desperately need you
to undress me
and take me in your arms for the night
its been too long of a day
for just a short conversation

my breathe is short and haste
i feel your smooth back
your arms
and i’m loving the shelter you instill
while you lay above me

everything around me disappears
as the motion commences between us
i’m locked to your eyes

my heart pounds
because we are speaking without words
and i find
nothing more in life scares me
sweat evaporates off our skin
and we lie for a minute

i don't feel the love like i used to
you couldn't get enough of me
you'd kiss my nose
and tell me you'd always sit with me
no matter where we were

for some odd reason
you promised me that
i guess so i'd never have to feel alone
whenever i was surrounded by people

i'd beckon you over
and you'd smile and sit next to me
hold my hand
and just sit
words not being enough
silence being perfect

50 years between us
and the only thing thats changed
is what's changed us for good
you don't smile at me anymore

when i beckon you over
i ask you to sit with me
you walk carelessly over a flower
grass underneath your feet
you sulk over

life wasn't enough for you to lose
you had to lose your will
i love you so much it hurts

no wait, that was a lie
the child in me screams for your love
you're such a dirty, dirty man
you smell like a fresh garden of medicine
you're unkempt, with a bushy beard
your hair down to your shoulders
like Jesus
Jesus wasn't dirty in the way you are
what you ingest projects out
i feel the drugs when i hug you



your bruises and scars ruin you

you think i don't know when you poison your body
i know you all too well
i know that when you find Jesus and God, wherever they may be
you search in the wrong places

i know that after you find them, whoever they may be
you stop what you're doing
and your eyes, your eyes are so incredibly clear
crystal blue, they're a color i can only ever imagine
you have them

i know that once you get bored with the church
the love of God isn't enough for you anymore
you're sick

you depend too much on God to clean your system
let me make that clear.
again:
you depend too much on God to clean your system

i know that once all this happens
you stop shaving
and you're back to the scars and bruises.

i love you so much i hate you.
you will die soon
not in the way where, "we all die someday."
no, you'll cause your death
in the most abysmal way possible

if it were a different time
if you had different teeth, brain, system
we'd be meant for each other
yes, in the way where it's so cliche

i enjoy being soft
my skin supple

I hope our lives
Stay magically intertwined
A force to be reckoned with
A thread that does not tear
A blanket that suffocates
But let's you breathe
Let's hope for that
We'll refer to that cliche line,
"Nothing more, nothing less."
And except just that
Our tears may not match
And our hands may not touch
But our laugh will chime
Through the cities
On this dirt
To each other
Yes, let's hope for that.

depression

She should't have went
Her wet hair
Dripping down her back
Her every crack and crevice
Cries for warmth
The footsteps are followed
The whispers in the sky
Drip drip
Her thoughts are foreign
It's like I can't breathe
With this sun shining

Her cloud
Hangs so low
Near her shredded hair

The cobalt blue sky
Washed out by steel gray
The birds lay dead
She shouldn't have went

my dreams aren't clear
not since you started drinking

the alcohol is more important
my dreams are clouded by your smoke

pink and yellow curtains
flow in the sunlight

i'm sure it would otherwise be a good day
if you were still here

you'd smile and say, "lets go walk,
no shoes allowed, mommy!"

and i'd smile back at you and say, "no, shoes are required!"
hearing your voice whine in protest

would be music to my ears
your toys glimmer in the light

i sit next to a doll
with her face squished

her hair on it's last hinge
looking swallow and sad

i methodically pick her up,
Susie is her name

you named her after your favorite book character
sometimes you'd skip around the house

your tiny fingers would encompass
her entire arm

singing, "Susie-q, i love you, Susie-q."
the halls are so silent

i take Susie to the kitchen
where i place her by the sink

she looks so sad
i can't stand the way she looks at me

standing by the sunlight,
i'm sure you provided for me

i take Susie and throw her in the trash
like how God threw you away

took your last breath from us
closed the lid on you

i can hear your protests in my ears
my imagination running wild,

taking me to you
closing my eyes

i see you in the sunlight
and i whisper,

"it's been 20 years,
happy birthday, baby girl."

i hear you giggle and say, "i love you, mommy!"
and i whisper, "i will always, always love you."

and i know it's time to let her go

she cries in the middle of the night
i pretend not to listen
i'd rather sleep
i'm not a mother
i'm selfish and incoherent
in my dreams i never had this
in my dreams i don't hear a child
in my dreams i don't have to get up

and breastfeed


i'm a mother who doesn't care
i warned him
if we weren't careful this would happen
he didn't believe me
said that,
"all women have a motherly instinct,
i'm sure it's there in you, somewhere"
i ran to the bathroom to puke
not sure if it was your answer
or if it was the baby


now i hear the baby
and you try to shake me awake
like you expect me to be the one to rise
i crawl deeper


pulling the covers roughly over my head
"no," i hoarsely choke out,
"let her cry for all i care"


i feel you tense
your hand pulls away quickly
"how could you..."
you pause for a minute
i feel an argument coming
so i stop it short
"i warned you, didn't i?"
although it's not a question

and i hear your lip quivering as you say,
"she loves you and needs you, can't you spare some remorse"
you never were much of a man
and i was never much of a woman

cold as the nightfall
delicate as the snowflake
she floats
in her black dress
she floats across your chest
she keeps your breast rising
keeps you guessing
where her lips will land next
her foot grazes your ankle
she comes down from heaven
lifting you
showing no remorse
fast-paced and full of hate
heat melts the snowflake

long & dirty. don't read if you don't like sexual.

WARNING:VERY VERY SEXUAL. DO NOT READ IF YOU THINK IT'S OFFENSIVE OR SOMETHING.


your hand slowly caresses my shoulder
i freeze where i'm at


standing in the snow
waiting for the car
it's so cold.

your hand has a power
liquid warmth falls

all over me.

no longer waiting for that car
i'm waiting for your hand to touch me again

"she's coming soon. we'll be going home soon."

home as in separate entities
i want you home with me.
"we should do something, anything, let's just hang out"

"i have a lot of stuff to do when i get home"

your eyes shined brightly at my suggestion
i saw it
you want to fuck, too.

"you have no choice"
i make my voice firm
subtly letting you know i'm horny

we make it home in one piece
my vagina hasn't fallen apart yet
though it throbs and aches
i'm sure it can wait a few minutes longer

we slowly walk to the front door
taking our time
making our presence together seem casual
who are we to impress
who are we to be wary of

i practically shove you through the door
you whisper that your parents are home
i chuckle and run up the stairs and burst through your door
to your small room
with clouds on the ceiling, made for a girl
but you are a boy
a big boy, with a big toy
again, my vagina throbs

"lets skip foreplay, i don't need it"
i run my hands up his shirt, removing it in one instant

"can't we take it slow this time"

you always want to take it slow
like we're in love or something
you're just that guy i run to for sex
you don't understand
and that scares me

"no"

after all the undressing and obscenities
you're inside me
rhythmical
my skin shoots electric currents ten-thousand times more
than i'd usually experience when you touch me
my senses are aware of everything
your scent
your hot, sweaty skin smooth against mine

my hips suddenly stop





"what's wrong"
you whisper again, concern dripping in your voice

"i'm..."
i can't say it


but i have to
it's an epiphany

i have to share it

"i'm in love with you"

"finally, you admit it. i know you are"

he quietly whispers he loves me, too
we stop fucking
and take it slow

"please shut up
you just don't understand"

[i try to remember how to breathe as I'm speaking]

points and letters fall
from my dirty mouth
my dirty nails
scrap my skin, and break the surface


[i can't bring myself to breathe]


blood slowly seeps to the surface
shining brightly in the light
my stomach churns
my nose thinks it can smell
the bitter, salty smell of fresh blood


[i can no longer breathe, as I'm convulsing]

something in me snaps
and i try again

i hear the scraping of my skin
i feel no pain as the blood pours from my skin

"no, you wouldn't understand,
and you don't want to"

i'm slowly killing myself
ever so slowly, death will kiss me goodnight

you really shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't.

three times is too many, twice is enough, once killed me.

i’m quitting this whole “fantasy” over you. i’m tired of wondering, tired of feeling not good enough. someday, someday some MAN will look at me and just know, he will just know i’m “it.” there won’t be a long process of confusion and suffering. it will just happen naturally.

bullshit on this whole, “you have to be best friends first.” fuck that. i’m done with that. i’ve tried to many fucking goddamn times, and i’m so angry i quit it.

that’s it.

to be a child
hearing the adults fight
not understanding
to be a child
have no voice
against all the "no's"
to be a child
no safe place
for me to hide
to be a child
arguments among friends
i pinch her
she pinches me
to be a child
the pressure to succeed
and we constantly fail
to be a child
to fall on my knees
skinning my palms
rocks inserted painfully, deeply
to be a child
run screaming
push that boy down
to be a child
who never gets a chance
who is never good enough
who doesn't run fast
who's lonely
to be a child who is depressed
doesn't understand those feelings of despair
because i'm just a child.

i'm a compressed soul
in this small, tight hole
i know no love

"say it out loud," he whispered
i shook my head mechanically
not wanting this belief
not wanting this burden
"say it out loud, now," he took my hand
i've never felt so pinned
i felt like a wall was behind me
as we stood in this parking lot
"i'm not going to say it, i'm not even going to think about it,"
i glared him down, piercing into this eyes
"alright, then i'll say it,"
he hadn't backed away from my eyes
he stared me down
"i've changed you."
i kept shaking my head
not wanting to hear it
i'm strong
i'm powerful
...
and he's broken me down
he's changed me.
i hate him for it.
"i hate you."
and i turned to walk away
he grabbed me by the shoulders
again whispering, "no, you don't,
you love me, and that's why you've changed."
i cried.