i've been feeling kind of lonely lately. its a terrible feeling when you're constantly being left out of some fun times.
i don't get why i haven't been invited to michaline's on saturday's. its not like i'm a busy person. so obviously they don't want me around. last saturday brittany and autumn went over there. and i was at home.
there's just something about me that people don't want me around or don't want to be my friend. or they just don't think of of me at all. i wish i knew why or what it was.
i'm afraid its always going to be like this. always. and it hurts really bad.
no wonder why i've never had a boyfriend...there isn't anything interesting enough about me that they want to keep me around.
i quit. i'm on my own. i'm tired of trying to keep people in my life who don't want to be there. so if they don't want to be my friend anymore...thats fine...walk away. its like josh too..he doesn't want to be my friend either.
so whatever.

i've noticed the most screwed up people want babies so badly.
maybe in their own way they just don't feel loved. ......so they think having a baby will solve the problem. *sigh*

i finally have words flowing through my brain!!! they may be worthless...but its better than nothing.
***
"This Prison"
By: Kristen Norsworthy
Freedom has always been something to think about
been caught up inbetween these bars
its been years now
dozens and dozens of bars in this town
and i've been to every one at least a hundred times
i always have to have a drink
and i feel my heart starting to race
and beads of sweat drip down my face
after dizziness and vomiting
my body starts to remind me i'm addicted
and the vicious circle starts its engine again
my kids don't even remember who i am
my wife kicked me out
as soon as she smelled the beer on my breath
not just one night a week, but it was 24/7
i can't get away from this prison
i don't think i ever will
i'll die a lonely drunk man.

Lets write a letter
and pretend to send it
because now we have text messaging
who needs the lost art form
of letter writing.

Sometimes I ask death
to just shut my eyes
not just for a little while
i'd love to be gone
no longer would i have to worry
about where i'm supposed to be
or what i'm supposed to be doing
sometimes i ask death
to take this last breath of life of mine
so i no longer have to witness anymore struggles
no more tragedies
but then i ask life
to give me understanding
and the wisdom and patience
to make it through each long day.

i don't really like this poem. i might revise it later. i'm too busy right now. gotta lay seth down for his nap.

tingle tingle

"Floating Against You"
By: Kristen Norsworthy

you touch my hand
and i know where its leading
my feet turn towards you
and you lead me to the dance floor
we embrace each other
as the music starts its slow waltz
i start laughing as you blow in my ear
you kiss my neck
and suddenly the whole room is quiet
and a little bit gone
i just see shimmering light
i close my eyes
and tingles appear all throughout my body
even though i'm overtaken by lust
i'm still dancing to the music
and clutching your back
as if its the only thing in the world to hold me up
the thoughts in my head are sinful
and i'm glad we aren't alone
i can feel you anticipating the kiss
your body is tensing
as i feel it on my chest
i can almost feel your heart thundering
or maybe its just mine
and our hearts are intertwined
so that we can't tell who is which
you kiss my cheek
and i can't take it anymore and move my head
before i can take a breath we're kissing
your lips are soft and fleshy
more tingles rise
and now i'm floating against you
we keep dancing
as sinful thoughts plague my mind.

Not much more to say except that this is my fantasy: kisses that leave me breathless.

not even listening

"Pizza Parlor"
By: Kristen Norsworthy

water droplets hit the window
as we sink into our chairs
the table has checkered placemats
and one single flower in the middle
my hair is soaked
i told you i wasn't picky
so we headed out
to a pizza parlor
i watch people bustle past
clutching their umbrellas tightly
the wind takes way
and hair is billowing in the gusts
you're just talking away
and i'm not even listening
i hear something about your class
and how you almost got hit by a car
i'm still not listening
the wine i'm drinking is making my head fuzzy
and the warmth has my cheeks pink
i'm still not listening
couples are leaning towards each other
wishing each other happy valentine's day
i hear a creek of some sort
and i turn to you
"will you marry me," you shakingly ask
i'm finally listening
it takes all my will not to cry
in the middle of this run down pizza parlor
that i knew you would take me to
i just didn't care
"yes," i whisper.

really have nothing to say about this. i like it though. i made her like me. even though it was valentine's day...i don't mind going somewhere cheap! and neither did she. even though she wasn't listening to him, she still loves him. she was just enjoying her surroundings.

Silence

"Silence"
By: Kristen Norsworthy

you sip from your cup
your pink and silver cup
from which i got you
years ago back in france

you really have nothing to say anymore
we sit in silence
as the sun kisses the trees
like we used to

i'm okay with silence
i hear the words
bouncing back and forth
inside my hot head

i'm okay with you daydreaming
i cough a little
and you don't even glance my way
you almost drop your glass i see

it hasn't been the same since you lost your fingers
i think your abilities to have a conversation
were lost too when you lost your fingers
your most valuable tools

your most valuable trait
to keep your wife in your arms
i'm okay with silence
and you get up to leave.

mmm...absolutely nothing about me. haha. i just try to expand my horizons and make up stories.
he lost half his personality when he lost his fingers. he just didn't feel like the same person. the daydreaming could mean he feels depressed now..destroyed as a man. his most valuable tools (duh) are his fingers...for his job. and his most valuable trait to have a conversation is now gone...causing him to slowly lose his wife.
i guess i didn't need to explain so much. just felt like it.

melting mansions

“We Don't Know How To Say Goodbye”
Anna Akhmatova

We don't know how to say goodbye,
We wander on, shoulder to shoulder
Already the sun is going down
You're moody, and I am your shadow.
Let's step inside a church, hear prayers, masses for the dead
Why are we so different from the rest?
Outside in the graveyard we sit on a frozen branch.

That stick in your hand is tracing
Mansions in the snow in which we will always be together.


i think this would make for a better break-up poem, but i still really like it regardless. I guess in a way i can see how it applies to my life a little bit. Friendships are coming and going and its tough to say goodbye. I like the last two lines. Even though he's drawing mansions in the snow for them, snow melts and you have to say goodbye.

and i've decided that even if i analyze a poem and its wrong...i don't really care. i'm taking it for what it means to me. instead of worrying if i have it right or wrong.

go inside a stone

"Stone"

Charles Simic

Go inside a stone

That would be my way.

Let somebody else become a dove

Or gnash with a tiger's tooth.

I am happy to be a stone.

From the outside the stone is a riddle:

No one knows how to answer it.

Yet within, it must be cool and quiet

Even though a cow steps on it full weight,

Even though a child throws it in a river;

The stone sinks, slow, unperturbed

To the river bottom

Where the fishes come to knock on it

And listen.

I have seen sparks fly out

When two stones are rubbed,

So perhaps it is not dark inside after all;

Perhaps there is a moon shining

From somewhere, as though behind a hill--

Just enough light to make out

The strange writings, the star-charts

On the inner walls.

There is something so incredibly peaceful about this poem. Kind of just fulfilles my fantasy of just getting away. If stepped into a stone or became a stone, i would no longer be bothered by daily issues. I could be free to roam. I just keep reading it over and over. To me there are a few different ways to analyze what it means and how it can mean to a certain person. I'm not going to say. Better to have a different interpretation each time.

your slumbering body

mmmm...this doesn't have too much to do with me. i kind of just feel that sometimes i'm left behind in the dust. i kind of just gave up on trying to leave this town. kinda..just...its about me in a twisted way. :)

you kiss me and i'm okay

but the door is opening

and i feel the north wind

i feel it on my breast

i hear it in my ears

its calling one of us to go

and its not going to be me

i dropped those ashes along time ago

i hear the whisper of urgency

and i heard your name while i slept

calling out to your slumbering body

i woke this morning to a note

taped to the door

nothing more than a goodbye

i may have dropped those ashes

and i may never have to leave again

but i'll always be left.

everytime its time to go

i'm still going to California. it feels right. and it almost feels like everything may be falling into place. i don't really have any doubts either.

sometimes i throw the idea around of just quitting and staying here. its kind of just in the back of my mind. i'm pretty sure its probably satan or something. because then i'm overcome with the feelings of assurance. instead of the queesyness in the pit of my stomach when i know something just ISN'T right.

its a fantastic feeling. and even if i'm only gone for a little while, like if it doesn't work out or something, at least i can say i tried.

that is the most important thing to me right now. just trying.

i'm actually really excited to get out there. i'm thankful for the tax return. and the tax rebate. although i'm not sure how much the tax rebate will be. not more than $600. but it could be like...$20 or something. so i'm not getting my hopes up on that.

this time around i'm not really trying to count how much i should save each month. i'm just trying my best at saving as much as i can. i told my mom that things will just work out.

i'll admit i'm a little stressed about how i'm getting everything out there. transporting everything will be interesting and expensive. but...yet again...everything will work out.

this has been my dream for a while now. and even if i get out there and just get a retail job or something...at least i'm out there.

i want to find a simple job as soon as i get out there...live with my aunt for a while...probably about 4-6 months...just depends on how quickly i find a decent job with good pay b/c california isn't cheap. at least if i have a simple retail job i can save money without blowing the money i saved to get out there.

i honestly want to find the cheapest apartments EVAR. i don't care where they are at. i'm not picky. okay i guess i am because i don't want to be a white chick living in a hardcore ghetto.
******
on to a different subject.

you know...every since i saw Ps. I love you...something inside me changed about the way i view movies!!! its so sad! i just kind of feel like...they aren't real...why invest my time in watching them or loving them? i think its b/c i SO BADLY wanted Ps. I love you to be real!! and i knew it wasn't and it was just depressing.

oh well...maybe i'll get my feelings back towards movies again someday. i'd like to! i miss it! like...crazy/beautiful used to be my movie for california! and now..i just don't feel the same feelings towards it. i'm kind of just like...okay...whateve?
i'm so lame.
******
SPRING IS COMING!!!!!!!!!! I don't feel it in the air yet...but its getting warmer!!! but i think its supposed to snow tonight. ah well. it'll melt just as quickly as it came.

later!