i'm stressed.

the van is capute. and now they want to sell my car.

what am i going to drive?

i'm going out later and applying for a job.

i'm going to literally go wild and apply everywhere.

b/c i'm pretty picky about my hours, so its going to hard to get a job.

i only want to work on the weekends.

but i'm also willing to work 12 hour shifts.

b/c i think i'm going to buy a new car.

i've needed one for longer than forever.

i've had that car for 6 years, and i've never gotten into a wreck.

i deserve one.

and surprisingly so actually. i've come close to accidents.

like that one time a couple weeks ago when this kid just kept pulling out infront of me, even though he OBVIOUSLY saw me coming. i saw him looking right at me. and it was wet out so when i slammed on the breaks, i basically just skidded. i was so pissed off i was going to turn around.

i would have killed him.

he was pulling out from the road with the old church out on Rome.

and i was driving ON rome rd...and from where he was, he was turning left. which meant going right infront of me.

anyway.

i could tell he was a kid, and plus it was about 2:45ish. so i knew it was a teenager.

i think that pissed me off even more.

anyway!!

i have to go get ready for school now.

have i mentioned my dream?

my teeth fell out

and you laughed

i caught you making love to another woman

sweaty and gritty

i laughed it off in the morning

when the sun rose

laughed with you

not telling details

highlights

while i drank my coffee

smoked my cigarette

not only am i alone

but you'll never want me

my dream meant that

opened my shut eyes

i'll never want you to fuck me

my dream meant that

i ponder

then why all this jealousy?

***

this was a little crass. sorry! not like anyone reads this blog anyway though.
i had a dream about josh. it was funny. i was inspired to write a poem...sort of...about it.

no, i don't like him. he's my best friend. that would in all honestly, be kind of weird! i do love him though:) more than anything. i couldn't ask for a better friend. seriously.

phone calls

never came

broken

falling to knees

mascara runs

tears stream

guts clench

clench

clench

contract

clench

********************************

what the hell is with this new way of poems? its kind of weird/i like it.

the laundry lies wet in a basket

clothes pins fall from her hands

her heart tightening

clutches her chest

and falls to the ground

the grass mixes with hair

her blues eyes tear

she relaxes her hands

as her chest contracts

pain

watching the clouds

pass by

she gasps one last breath

as her heart gives in

she joins the clouds

she's older now

and that letter never came

those pictures blew away

and the promises were broke

hair is gray

eyes foggy

one foot a head

and head in hand

your letter scared me

and i'm feeling bitter

the words cut me

my eyes bleed

i'm not me

i'm in agony

my soul is being ripped

going in two directions

i calm myself

and my feet are being pulled

back down to the earth

i'm calming myself

i breathe

and i rip your letter

sigh

turn around

and decide

walk the wrong way

frequently sheathing

holding breath

currently

and don't freeze

forgiving the wind

that moves you

along.

lets not walk

and leave each other

frequently screaming

at the same hand

"I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create"-William Blake

happened to get that quote from PS. i love you. don't hate:)

its true though. my business is to create. it doesn't matter what i do.

as long as its something outside of me.

i was going to paint tonight, but felt kind of lazy.

i think thats my problem the most of the time. haha.

i want a man to look at me one day and tell me he still looks forward to waking up every morning to see my face.

will that ever happen for me?

i'm okay with being alone.

i'm not okay with being lonely.

its a double-ended sword.

i get stabbed in the gut no matter what i do, or how i feel.