this love is serious.youkeepmeseriouslyoutofmymind.

the saddest thing is

you could be anything

we could have been everything

but now its not

we aren't anything at all.

worked today. i feel like a child when i'm working with carol sometimes.
oh well. she still makes me laugh most times.

amy came to the conclusion today that she and i are the only ones without appreciation stickers. :( we have a big bulletin of names and next to them you can get stickers...and i think someone wins something at the end when they get the most? who knows. i don't really care...but i'd like to at least have ONE. i mean. i do work on register all day and deal with annoying customers...and i DO A HELL OF A LOT OF BALLOONS. seriously. my hands ache and are sore for a couple days after friday's and saturday's.
ug.
doesn't really matter. i guess what i'm looking for most is appreciation. because i'm not getting any.
anyway. nuff about work.
i got to see kristen for a little bit today. about an hour. :( i keep thinking of all these fun things we could do since warm weather is finally here...but then i remember that isn't going to happen. because all she does is work now. which is fine. that's life. its still really depressing. from where i stand anyway.

i guess i'm not hanging out with Sam tomorrow? she never called me back. so i don't know.
i'm actually kind of worried about her. i don't know...she could be having the baby right now or something for all i know. normally i can depend on her calling me back. oh well. i'll have to see tomorrow morning.

AND DON'T YOU FORGETABOUIT.

I wear a disguise

I'm just your average jane

The super doesn't stand for model

But that doesn't mean I'm plain

If all you see is how I look

You miss the superchick within

And I christen you titanic underestimate and swim

I've got the rifle gonna be myself

And I'll be everything that I want to be

I am confidence in insecurity

I am a voice yet waiting to be heard

I'll shoot the shot, bang, that you hear round the world

And I'm a one girl revolution

hop.skip.&.a.jump.to.the.other.side.of.happy.

i'm so incredibly hungry right now. and i'm not really sure why. i'm thinking its my hormones or something. i think i'm pms'ing. feels about right. i pms a week before i actually start my period.
racking my brain trying to think of something decent to talk about.
i did nothing today. all i did was just sit around. and you know what? it was nice. i work all the time...so i feel like a day where i just sit and chill...is acceptable. haha. it feels justified. plus...i'm working everyday except tuesday this week. and including Sunday. which...i have to get up at 5 that day. and be at work at 5:30. oh and then i get to work until 1:30. i'm not sure why i get to be one of the chosen ones who have to be there at the butt crack of dawn. maybe because i'm a good worker? who knows. lately i haven't really been feelings appreciated. so thats probably doubtful and out of the question.
but i will have to count with all those people that i counted with when i worked at old navy. for inventory. i'm not looking forward to it. because we'll have to be pulling boxes upon boxes from the shelves. and counting everything.
but oh well.
such is life.
i am worried that i'm getting a UTI. because if i'm getting a UTI...i'm going to have to go the doctor. and i really don't want to pay for medicine either. fuck. why does this shit always happen to me? why do i always...ALWAYS get UTI's? i tried the whole cranberry juice fad. but...it didn't seem to work. i think. i'm not really sure as of right now. i need to go get more...but i'm not risking my life to go to Myer's...just for juice. which..i highly doubt they even have.
i'm to lazy to go to Kroger. I'll just have to do it in the morning i think.
i like my new blog. i feel secluded yet...everyone and anyone can read it. which..i doubt anyone has. i'm not that interesting. just wait until i get depressed about something...then my entries will be half interesting. haha.
oh...and those feelings that i had for along time are finally fading. my heart is finally mending after being bruised from the information that i found out. and in a way its kind of sad...because i don't want to let go of what those feelings belonged too. but in another way...its so good. and free'ing.

i put my faith in you. what a stupid thing to do.

tomato's tomatto's

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
I think I'm apathetic, but I can't be bothered to find out.
That which does not kill us, makes us stronger!
People need your love the most when they appear to deserve it the least.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!
It takes a big man to cry... but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

death by juice.

i'd rather down shots of tequila then drink cranberry juice. this stuff is nasty. if it weren't for the fact that i get UTI's really easily and have one right now...i wouldn't go near this stuff. i don't know how Emily can drink this casually. gawd.
just tastes like vomit.
fo shizzle.

take the photograph. it'll be the last.

my cousin is having her baby next week. its so f'ing weird to think she's going to have a kid. my aunt wanted me to drop everything and come down to springfield to help out. um. yeah right. i can't just leave me job. and she was being serious too! if i didn't have a job then there might have been the possibility of going down there and helping out. because she does have a crazy life. the shop that she has to run and her 2 kids and now natalie's baby. anyway.
and amy is having her baby here pretty soon. so she'll be leaving FCPO. kind of saddening.

well last night was interesting. had fun at cheddar's. it was kind of weird not having Kurd there. i guess i'll have to just get used to not having her around. toughie skiiiin;) i had a couple drinks. michaline's looked like some vomited into her cup. that shit was nasty. lol. it was all...weird looking.
i kept talking at the same time with everyone. michaline was going to call Praveen..or text him? one of the two. either way. and me and josh were like "doooo it!" then we went to hoops. that was okay. after experiencing American Pi...hoops really isn't all that fun anymore. you just sit there. its more for eating i think.
anyway. i got a little tipsy at hoops. lame. lol. i only had two long island iceteas. but i downed them. so me, courtney, and mich took a shuttle from the hotel she works at to Jimmy's. i'm not really sure why? lol. either way. it was fun.
so basically. we had fun until i got really drunk and kind of passed out on the table. there were a few times i thought i was seriously going to puke. oh wow. worst feeling. but i didn't. i basically just held it in. lol. i didn't let myself. i'm never drinking that fast again. after i give kurd crap and everything. what was i thinking?! lol.
i'm kind of dissapointed i missed out on a lot. but oh well. i mean..i had my head down for an hour or so. goodness.
the only thing that woke me was josh yelling "michaline habibhabibhabibhabib" over and over again. i finally just got up and started walking around. and i felt a smidge better.
i figured i was fine if i could take a car ride. haha.
then courtney and michaline forced me to walk downtown. omg. lol. then they also forced me to go richard's. it was okay though because i had to pee. and i remember the guy checking IDs. lord. i asked him if my hair was okay. because it was windy and rainy out. lol. and he started teasing me about how it was poofing on the side and stuff. we were leaving and i went to say bye and he made a hand motion trying to tell me that it was still poofy. lol. i was like "nope!" hahaha. wow.
then i came home and passssssed out.
kind of tired of drinking though.

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."-Chuck Palahniuk

Sometimes I wonder what it is about you that makes me try so hard.

they're the people that make your problems theirs so you won't have to face them alone.<3

i got a thumper stuffed animal today. he's so cute. i need to buy Bambie two.
i'd like to get Peter Pan too.

hanging out with my friends tomorrow night. i'm excited b/c i'm hanging out with jess and courtney. and i haven't seen them in forever. i can't wait until summer. summer=seeing courtney more often and our little photoshoots.

i wish i could have sara's life. actually...i just admire her. she's doing what i wish i could do. i want to move out of state. maybe when i head out to colorado i can try to make up my mind about moving there.
i'd love too.

oh who knows.
i'm probably stuck here forever. and maybe thats not so bad. maybe i'll move to chicago or something.
you know...
i've never actually been to Chicago! so weird. i've actually been in Chicago twice. once when i went to see the ataris with Bryce at the madison. right next to wrigley field! gosh. i still remember that really well. but it was late at night and he was tired. so we couldn't do much exploring.
then the other time was when sarah, me, and mary were driving to the airport. kind of had to drive through the ghetto. ha. both times were about bryce.

its weird that i'm friends with sarah again! we have such an on and off friendship. its really bad. i wish it would just stay on. but now she has a kid. so its more difficult to keep a friendship.

i didn't get to see Sam today. thats okay. i got up so early today that i actually forgot i was supposed to hang out with her. i'm not sure what i was thinking. lol. i've never done that before. so i just hung out with my mommy:) we did a little bit of shopping. but i didn't really have any luck today. i couldn't find any clothes that i actually like.

its only 10:00 and i want to go bed. i think i just might.
sorry this was so boring. i'm just a very boring person.

do you feel like man when you push her around?
do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?

this land is mine.

i'm so worried about Sam its making me sick. I just got done talking to her about half hour ago and my stomach still hurts.
after we got off the phone i just laid there and cried. i wish there was something i could do. but the only thing i can do right now is pray. but i feel like thats not even enough.
i wish she was going through this situation when we were older so that i had a house she could come stay in.
i just wish she wasn't going through this situation at all. this isn't what her life should be like. she deserves better. she deserves someone better. she shouldn't have to worry about the kind of things she worries about. she doesn't even had underwear that fits her because she can't afford to buy a new pair.
i was telling her tonight about how i remember when she came home from the hospital along time ago and she said her and brad were done. and how i just remember thinking "thank you god, he's finally gone." I still feel like its my fault sometimes. Getting her into that situation...talking her into dating him. I don't think i could have changed her mind in the beginning. But at least i would have made some type of effort against going out with him. But nope...there i was...telling her she should date him. What could it hurt? if only i had known.
the only gifts out of this whole situation are the girls.

anyway.
still trying to figure out the whole comment situation. i think it has something to do with the HTML. which is unfortunate b/c i have no idea how to put in comments. i still need to fix the side bar. i just don't know what the heck i'm going put over there. haha.

i actually have tomorrow off. which will be nice. hours are getting cut next week though. you know..its really unfair. don't give me hours if you're just going to take them away. i was looking forward to the 34 hours. meant for money for Colorado. but now i'm not so sure. i'm thinking of applying somewhere like Afni or something. even though its kind of jankie. but ya know, whateve. at least i'd be working somewhere with dependable hours.

josh cracks me up. i love talking to him on the phone. he was reading the weather and telling me word for word what it said. "the winds will be gusting northeast" blah blah blah. lol. i eventually said that was enough but that didn't work so i just humored him.

i'm going to start liking simple plan so that kristen wasted $1.99 on her ringtone. and everytime i call she won't sing anymore. its really unpleasant. but...i'll change that. i'll start liking simple plan. yeah. right.

i hate how life changes. i want to be 16 again. when my friends were still living at home and they didn't work 3rd shifts.

stand in the rain

its raining outside right now.


its been a while since i've had a public journal. sorry..."blog."
ever since that one girl wouldn't stop reading my journal a long time ago and then harrassing me about my entries. that was probably about 3 years ago now.

i wonder how pathetic it is that i'm feeling really uncomfortable having this public. i'm not making it private though. i made this blog on purpose to have something public.

i'm going to Colorado in 2 weeks & 3 days! sahweet. not gonna lie...really excited.

my mom is funny.
she walked in talking about some guy kidnapping someone from a hotel. and i thought she was talking about real life. no...no no...she was talking about General Hospital. wow. what would i do without her.

i'm glad i face things with more confidence and assurance. i don't cower anymore. i figure the situation will last for a short amount of time. and i'll make it through. might as well face it and feel better about myself in the end.

wow. erin just texted me and scared the shit out of me. my phone is so freaking loud.