i think i'm slowly losing a friend. when this kind of things happens. i let it happen. i can't stop the inevitable. i can't force something that's just not there anymore.
gosh. its been so long since i've been in this situation. i've become so different from who i used to be. sometimes i feel like that kid i used to be isn't inside me anymore. she's just a stranger that stayed for a while. and then up and left when things got hard.
but there are the little things that remind me she's still there. when i ride my bike...i'm reminded of what it was like to be free. to feel the breeze on my face. or when i see a bunch of carnival rides and the first thing i want to do is jump on every one. or just the simple things...like just wanting to frolic in the grass. just to feel the grass underneath my feet.
or when i fall for a best friend. when i know i shouldn't. but my heart is telling me its for the best and that it'd be fun. but my brain...just a little bit more grown up...says its wrong. and i need to stop right away.
i am different now. i gain friends and normally i keep them now. they aren't continuous tests that i fail. i actually excell in learning how to keep a friend. i learned to communicate. i learned to quit being so selfish. i learned to listen when i needed too. and give advice when i'm asked.
and so thats how i know that when i start to lose a friend. its because we've become different. and its neither of our faults. now its just something thats meant to be. instead of something that i caused.
and somehow. that keeps my heart from breaking. i don't think of what it'll be like not to have her in my life anymore. i think of what it was like having her in my life. and i have memories.
when all else fails..i have memories.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
i drive myself cah-ray-zie
i'm never going to get a chance to be someone's maid of honor. i find that really sad actually. jessica will be kristen's and of course mary will have kristen.
:(
:(
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
*cliff notes from my vaca. so i have references for later*
i already have friday.
saturday: mary had to work.
dropped her off.
got a little lost.
went to hobby lobby while i was lost. (haha)
eventually found out how to get back to the apt. thank goodness for savannah!
then i hung out with savannah after she got off work.
we had fun.
picked up andrew.
went to kohls.
back to mary's and i drank wine for the first time! ick.
Sunday:
mary worked again.
went to idaho springs.
got lost again. this time more seriously.
called ryan. thank goodness for ryan!
picked mary up.
went to toy's R us to get apples to apples.
then starbucks. talked about dirty stuff! mary alice.
then we got ready to go to scum.
i cried during the service.
take your mary and run.
then we went to st. mark's and had some really REALLY good coffee and cheese cake.
then we went to aaron's.
got ready for the cabin.
took about an hour or so to get to the cabin.
pee'd out in a scary outhouse.
read Huck Finn once we got settled.
made fun of ryan's accent.
but listened to aaron read and never made fun of him. lol.
then me, sarah, ryan played with his computer.
Monday:
woke up semi-early. (not really.)
ate some cereal for breakfast.
it was a cereal kind of celebration.
then we headed down to the pond.
aaron and ryan dove in.
erin made mary fall in.
mary pushed me in.
freezing. FREEZING water.
i stayed at the cabin.
read harry potter.
the altitude was seriously kicking my ass.
then we got ready to leave.
hailed a whole lot.
mary stressed out a little.
i thought the hail was neat.
i wasn't driving though.
went back to the apartment.
had no time to get ready.
headed back out to Woody's.
it was okay. my stomach was hurting. don't know why?
played apple's to apple's!
FUN GAME!
left after a little while.
went to King Sooper's.
made mudslides at the apartment.
Tuesday:
Started driving to Woodland Park.
stopped in Garden of the Gods.
climbed some rocks.
went to a cute place called the trading post.
then we ended up in Old Colorado Town.
amazing place.
exactly the kind of place i've always been looking for.
went to a cute little coffee shop.
the lady was so amazingly nice.
such good food.
then we went to a place called Funny Gifts.
got a ridiculous looking caterpillar.
the whole place made me laugh.
then we finally went to Woodland Park.
Saw the old Floors N' More (UG.)
stopped in the parking lot.
mom took a pic of me.
saw all the familiar places.
"you can prevent forest fires"
"my grandma's ashes were plopped." conversation.
saw my old school.
saw pikes peak.
drove through the neighborhood.
saw the old playground i used to play at.
saw the old HS.
like it was freaking yesterday.
so familiar to me.
started our drive to Rampart Range.
took a while.
got to the lake.
end of the world.
mary prayed.
lake cleared up.
lake went back to foggy 10 minutes later.
(thanks God)
pee'd in the rocky mountain trees.
got a little lost driving back.
called 911.
they told us to keep going.
we did.
hour and a half later we emerge from the depths of trees and nothingness.
realize we were lost in a shooting range.
(great!)
oh wait. mary knew that already! saw the shells while we were pee'ing.
thanks mary.
then we started driving home.
went to old chicago.
then starbucks.
then home.
Wednesday:
Erin left for Africa.
i love her. awesome possum.
then mary cleaned.
i read harry potter some more.
went to kohl's.
that was no good.
then lookout mountain.
aaron called me a liar about seeing an animal dart across the grass.
jerk.
then we went to jose oshea's.
had some free taco's.
germ city.
said goodbye to ryan, aaron, and lydia:(
Thursday:
Went to Golden.
went to the coor's factory.
took the tour.
got tipsy. (big oops.)
went to historic downtown Golden.
got a t-shirt.
ate at different Woody's.
pretty dang good.
went to clear creek.
walked around.
stuck our feet in the chilling water.
warmer than that pond though!
went back to the apartment. :(
hung out with savvyannah.
went to a place called Herbs and something or other.
weird place.
had stuff for wicca.
had a penis candle.
for women to get more sex.
wow.
and herbs.
savvyannah looked at some nuttle stuff. or something.
for her allergies.
*caution. do not over use. may cause hallucinations*
something like that.
wow again.
went to independent records.
i bought bambi and cinderella!!
went to a cute european style coffee house.
fell in love with it.
went to pick aaron and caitlyn up from Joshua's House.
or something like that.
Went to the Naked Dumpster.
hahahahahah.
Aaron and Savvyannah stole Naked Juice from the dumpsters.
then we went to the park.
smoked some herbs. tabacco free and something else free. i can't remember.
really funny.
i felt like we were smoking pot.
it also looked like it too.
Friday:
Woke up at 3:50.
3 hours of sleep.
now that was fun.
flew home!
i already have friday.
saturday: mary had to work.
dropped her off.
got a little lost.
went to hobby lobby while i was lost. (haha)
eventually found out how to get back to the apt. thank goodness for savannah!
then i hung out with savannah after she got off work.
we had fun.
picked up andrew.
went to kohls.
back to mary's and i drank wine for the first time! ick.
Sunday:
mary worked again.
went to idaho springs.
got lost again. this time more seriously.
called ryan. thank goodness for ryan!
picked mary up.
went to toy's R us to get apples to apples.
then starbucks. talked about dirty stuff! mary alice.
then we got ready to go to scum.
i cried during the service.
take your mary and run.
then we went to st. mark's and had some really REALLY good coffee and cheese cake.
then we went to aaron's.
got ready for the cabin.
took about an hour or so to get to the cabin.
pee'd out in a scary outhouse.
read Huck Finn once we got settled.
made fun of ryan's accent.
but listened to aaron read and never made fun of him. lol.
then me, sarah, ryan played with his computer.
Monday:
woke up semi-early. (not really.)
ate some cereal for breakfast.
it was a cereal kind of celebration.
then we headed down to the pond.
aaron and ryan dove in.
erin made mary fall in.
mary pushed me in.
freezing. FREEZING water.
i stayed at the cabin.
read harry potter.
the altitude was seriously kicking my ass.
then we got ready to leave.
hailed a whole lot.
mary stressed out a little.
i thought the hail was neat.
i wasn't driving though.
went back to the apartment.
had no time to get ready.
headed back out to Woody's.
it was okay. my stomach was hurting. don't know why?
played apple's to apple's!
FUN GAME!
left after a little while.
went to King Sooper's.
made mudslides at the apartment.
Tuesday:
Started driving to Woodland Park.
stopped in Garden of the Gods.
climbed some rocks.
went to a cute place called the trading post.
then we ended up in Old Colorado Town.
amazing place.
exactly the kind of place i've always been looking for.
went to a cute little coffee shop.
the lady was so amazingly nice.
such good food.
then we went to a place called Funny Gifts.
got a ridiculous looking caterpillar.
the whole place made me laugh.
then we finally went to Woodland Park.
Saw the old Floors N' More (UG.)
stopped in the parking lot.
mom took a pic of me.
saw all the familiar places.
"you can prevent forest fires"
"my grandma's ashes were plopped." conversation.
saw my old school.
saw pikes peak.
drove through the neighborhood.
saw the old playground i used to play at.
saw the old HS.
like it was freaking yesterday.
so familiar to me.
started our drive to Rampart Range.
took a while.
got to the lake.
end of the world.
mary prayed.
lake cleared up.
lake went back to foggy 10 minutes later.
(thanks God)
pee'd in the rocky mountain trees.
got a little lost driving back.
called 911.
they told us to keep going.
we did.
hour and a half later we emerge from the depths of trees and nothingness.
realize we were lost in a shooting range.
(great!)
oh wait. mary knew that already! saw the shells while we were pee'ing.
thanks mary.
then we started driving home.
went to old chicago.
then starbucks.
then home.
Wednesday:
Erin left for Africa.
i love her. awesome possum.
then mary cleaned.
i read harry potter some more.
went to kohl's.
that was no good.
then lookout mountain.
aaron called me a liar about seeing an animal dart across the grass.
jerk.
then we went to jose oshea's.
had some free taco's.
germ city.
said goodbye to ryan, aaron, and lydia:(
Thursday:
Went to Golden.
went to the coor's factory.
took the tour.
got tipsy. (big oops.)
went to historic downtown Golden.
got a t-shirt.
ate at different Woody's.
pretty dang good.
went to clear creek.
walked around.
stuck our feet in the chilling water.
warmer than that pond though!
went back to the apartment. :(
hung out with savvyannah.
went to a place called Herbs and something or other.
weird place.
had stuff for wicca.
had a penis candle.
for women to get more sex.
wow.
and herbs.
savvyannah looked at some nuttle stuff. or something.
for her allergies.
*caution. do not over use. may cause hallucinations*
something like that.
wow again.
went to independent records.
i bought bambi and cinderella!!
went to a cute european style coffee house.
fell in love with it.
went to pick aaron and caitlyn up from Joshua's House.
or something like that.
Went to the Naked Dumpster.
hahahahahah.
Aaron and Savvyannah stole Naked Juice from the dumpsters.
then we went to the park.
smoked some herbs. tabacco free and something else free. i can't remember.
really funny.
i felt like we were smoking pot.
it also looked like it too.
Friday:
Woke up at 3:50.
3 hours of sleep.
now that was fun.
flew home!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
bryce is having a baby.
i find myself actually caring. not in a way that i want though. i knew it was going to eventually happen soon. i thought that when i'd hear the words that i'd say something along the lines like---"oh...good for him!" and then move on in a whistful kind of way without a care.
no. instead...i keep having all these flashbacks. to words we had said to each other and our times spent together.
i know now that i'm glad we didn't end up together. but at one time...my heart had actually thought that we would be married and have our own kids. i'm not sure why. i guess when you don't really know what love is...and you want is so badly...you just start to believe anything. and confuse emotions.
anyway. bottomline. he's having a kid---i'm a little sad---but i'm on my way to being over it.
i should just think positive. thank God i didn't end up with him.
he rarely made me laugh, i could never make him laugh, he didn't communicate properly...he'd just clam up whenever we'd get in a fight, he was still a child, and he was selfish....lord was he selfish. not to even mention our sex life. good lord. it was good. don't get me wrong. but sometimes...i'm not even going to say. lets just say...he didn't communicate well with that either. gawd.
anyway.
but there were other positive things about him that i did "love." obviously. or i wouldn't have been with him. i just can't remember. they were bigger things that he did. and sweet things he'd say. negative things are always so much easier to remember.
***
anyway. the thing about marriage though..is that i'm scared that i'll think its right. i'll think that this guy is "the one" (what is "the one" anyway. puhleeze.) and i'm completely wrong. and we end up divorced. i want to do this once. and make it right. i don't want to have an oops moment and have to go searching again. *sigh*
then there was times when i just don't want to get married. i'd rather be alone then face changes and rocky times. i guess i see it as...why even bother? when i know that all i'll do is get annoyed with my husband at the little things...and we'll just fight. and i know...that there are people who would rather have that then be alone too. good for them. i wish i could be like that.
i'm getting used to being single. i like the freedom. i don't have anyone to answer too. i don't have to ask my husband if its okay to get something from the store...or if i can take the car....etc etc. i can go as i please...hang out with who i want too. i don't have to worry about my husband being mad for hanging out with guys.
this is the selfish part of me. a good selfish i think. being my own person. i don't want to give up my freedom.
:(
dear God,
can i just not get married? and make me okay with that please?
i find myself actually caring. not in a way that i want though. i knew it was going to eventually happen soon. i thought that when i'd hear the words that i'd say something along the lines like---"oh...good for him!" and then move on in a whistful kind of way without a care.
no. instead...i keep having all these flashbacks. to words we had said to each other and our times spent together.
i know now that i'm glad we didn't end up together. but at one time...my heart had actually thought that we would be married and have our own kids. i'm not sure why. i guess when you don't really know what love is...and you want is so badly...you just start to believe anything. and confuse emotions.
anyway. bottomline. he's having a kid---i'm a little sad---but i'm on my way to being over it.
i should just think positive. thank God i didn't end up with him.
he rarely made me laugh, i could never make him laugh, he didn't communicate properly...he'd just clam up whenever we'd get in a fight, he was still a child, and he was selfish....lord was he selfish. not to even mention our sex life. good lord. it was good. don't get me wrong. but sometimes...i'm not even going to say. lets just say...he didn't communicate well with that either. gawd.
anyway.
but there were other positive things about him that i did "love." obviously. or i wouldn't have been with him. i just can't remember. they were bigger things that he did. and sweet things he'd say. negative things are always so much easier to remember.
***
anyway. the thing about marriage though..is that i'm scared that i'll think its right. i'll think that this guy is "the one" (what is "the one" anyway. puhleeze.) and i'm completely wrong. and we end up divorced. i want to do this once. and make it right. i don't want to have an oops moment and have to go searching again. *sigh*
then there was times when i just don't want to get married. i'd rather be alone then face changes and rocky times. i guess i see it as...why even bother? when i know that all i'll do is get annoyed with my husband at the little things...and we'll just fight. and i know...that there are people who would rather have that then be alone too. good for them. i wish i could be like that.
i'm getting used to being single. i like the freedom. i don't have anyone to answer too. i don't have to ask my husband if its okay to get something from the store...or if i can take the car....etc etc. i can go as i please...hang out with who i want too. i don't have to worry about my husband being mad for hanging out with guys.
this is the selfish part of me. a good selfish i think. being my own person. i don't want to give up my freedom.
:(
dear God,
can i just not get married? and make me okay with that please?
Monday, May 21, 2007
i find myself jealous of the stupidest things. i know they're stupid and yet they still consume my every thought.
i just feel like i don't get loving words from them. i feel like a third wheel. like i'm just not good enough because i don't give the best advice...or i'm not as funny as the other one.
these are the kind of times when i could just leave without regret.
and meet new people.
***
i hope she realizes that i'm staying distant. even after what's her face leaves. grr. i hope when i have a boyfriend i can have a stable relationship with my friends and him. and have the ability to have them both at the same time. but. i'm able to function as a human being. thats the difference.yeah those were two different subjects. anyway.
***
my cousin is getting married on saturday. yet again...still feel like my life is just blah and standing still. i can't believe she's getting married....she's 22. i remember when we were just little kids and we were playing with barbies.
and then natalie had a baby last week. not that i'm saying i'm exactly jealous of that. i'm glad i was smart and used a condom.
***
i get to see joshie on friday! i haven't seen that kid in forever!!!:) (josh james btw.) haha.
i just feel like i don't get loving words from them. i feel like a third wheel. like i'm just not good enough because i don't give the best advice...or i'm not as funny as the other one.
these are the kind of times when i could just leave without regret.
and meet new people.
***
i hope she realizes that i'm staying distant. even after what's her face leaves. grr. i hope when i have a boyfriend i can have a stable relationship with my friends and him. and have the ability to have them both at the same time. but. i'm able to function as a human being. thats the difference.yeah those were two different subjects. anyway.
***
my cousin is getting married on saturday. yet again...still feel like my life is just blah and standing still. i can't believe she's getting married....she's 22. i remember when we were just little kids and we were playing with barbies.
and then natalie had a baby last week. not that i'm saying i'm exactly jealous of that. i'm glad i was smart and used a condom.
***
i get to see joshie on friday! i haven't seen that kid in forever!!!:) (josh james btw.) haha.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
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Tuesday, May 8, 2007
i don't want to be your fool in this game for two.
how is it that...when two people who are absolutely perfect for each other.....
either never see it. notice it...even realize its there.
or just completely ignore it. pretend that fact doesn't exist.
OR. one person notices...realizes that fact does exist...and knows the other person is totally oblivious.
or knows.......they don't even care.
my heart kind of hurts.
not sure why. i can't really figure it out.
other than that..my friends are amazing. and josh and kristen are definitely my best friends. its going to be tough when josh moves. it still makes me want to cry a little bit. but...i don't let myself. :) i'm happy for him. i'm excited for him to experience new things and meet new people. maybe even get a girlfriend! :-o! its so weird to think of him having a girlfriend. haha. i sure will miss him though.
anyway. we saw spiderman tonight. <3>
and topher grace looked like a dumb ass with his hair blonde. i deff don't like his hair like that. lol. still sexy though.
either never see it. notice it...even realize its there.
or just completely ignore it. pretend that fact doesn't exist.
OR. one person notices...realizes that fact does exist...and knows the other person is totally oblivious.
or knows.......they don't even care.
my heart kind of hurts.
not sure why. i can't really figure it out.
other than that..my friends are amazing. and josh and kristen are definitely my best friends. its going to be tough when josh moves. it still makes me want to cry a little bit. but...i don't let myself. :) i'm happy for him. i'm excited for him to experience new things and meet new people. maybe even get a girlfriend! :-o! its so weird to think of him having a girlfriend. haha. i sure will miss him though.
anyway. we saw spiderman tonight. <3>
and topher grace looked like a dumb ass with his hair blonde. i deff don't like his hair like that. lol. still sexy though.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
i want to go to England.
i love their accents. and the houses and the history.
i work again tomorrow. i've been working for two weeks now without a day off.
yeah. its ridiculous. i'm so burnt out from working. seriously. i just want to turn to jello.
today wasn't too bad. even though i had to get up at 4:30. good lord. i think the only things that kept me sane were the lovely people i work with. seriously. i <3>
anyway. i wish i had more of a life and more to talk about. but..i really don't.
i love their accents. and the houses and the history.
i work again tomorrow. i've been working for two weeks now without a day off.
yeah. its ridiculous. i'm so burnt out from working. seriously. i just want to turn to jello.
today wasn't too bad. even though i had to get up at 4:30. good lord. i think the only things that kept me sane were the lovely people i work with. seriously. i <3>
anyway. i wish i had more of a life and more to talk about. but..i really don't.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
oh well. i guess i must have fumbled.
i never think about him anymore.
sahweet.
sooooooooooooooo good.
i go to colorado in 7 days.
i am so excited and nervous about flying. but i'm mostly excited. annnnnnnd...i got a nice paycheck. so i'm excited about that.
sahweet.
sooooooooooooooo good.
i go to colorado in 7 days.
i am so excited and nervous about flying. but i'm mostly excited. annnnnnnd...i got a nice paycheck. so i'm excited about that.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
i'm weak in the knees for you. but they're still strong.
i'm sick of work.
8.5 hours and a 20 minute break. what the fuck. seriously. i was so pissed off at my manager.
my feet were aching at the end of the day. i didn't get to fucking eat. i normally go to subway on my half hour.
so i was also very weak. i thought i was going to fucking pass out.
today was just so bad. i wanted to walk out. i really did. i debated for a couple minutes.
then i talked myself out of it.
which is good because i kind of would have regreted it later on. aka: right now.
and the customers were ridiculous. i know its senior day, okay?! I KNOW. >
after each transaction: "did you get my discount? i'm a senior." yes...i can see that by your old, ugly, wrinkled face. yes. i know you're a fucking senior. or...this is the best. with their grouchy attitude and raspy voice "I'M A SENIOR!" o.m.g.
another pet peeve: when their total is .53 cents and they give me a $20.00 bill. and i literally have to waste my $5 bills on them. ug. and when i say waste...its b/c we don't have that many in the safe.
laskdjflkajsdflkjaslkdfjlkasjdflkjasdlkf.
SO. with all that said. i am officially looking for a new job. anything. and then i get to walk in there and say "i quit" and feel wonderful.
so that was my whole day. old people and annoying managers.
8.5 hours and a 20 minute break. what the fuck. seriously. i was so pissed off at my manager.
my feet were aching at the end of the day. i didn't get to fucking eat. i normally go to subway on my half hour.
so i was also very weak. i thought i was going to fucking pass out.
today was just so bad. i wanted to walk out. i really did. i debated for a couple minutes.
then i talked myself out of it.
which is good because i kind of would have regreted it later on. aka: right now.
and the customers were ridiculous. i know its senior day, okay?! I KNOW. >
after each transaction: "did you get my discount? i'm a senior." yes...i can see that by your old, ugly, wrinkled face. yes. i know you're a fucking senior. or...this is the best. with their grouchy attitude and raspy voice "I'M A SENIOR!" o.m.g.
another pet peeve: when their total is .53 cents and they give me a $20.00 bill. and i literally have to waste my $5 bills on them. ug. and when i say waste...its b/c we don't have that many in the safe.
laskdjflkajsdflkjaslkdfjlkasjdflkjasdlkf.
SO. with all that said. i am officially looking for a new job. anything. and then i get to walk in there and say "i quit" and feel wonderful.
so that was my whole day. old people and annoying managers.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
i saw alison today. i saw her when i was coming around the corner at kroger..she was coming out of an isle up a head a little bit.
i kind of did a double take. i didn't know whether we were actually going to stop and talk or not. its kind of strange because just the other day i was thinking about her. and me and my mom had just been talking about her a couple days ago too.
its really strange that i still kind of know her really well. i could tell she felt awkward at first. or maybe she's just easy to read. i don't know. its something about her facial expressions.
my mom hugged her. i chose to just stand back a little bit and act distracted with seth.
we talked for a little bit. actually...when i was thinking about her the other day. i had been wondering whether she still lived at home or not as i drove by her street. and i was feeling kind of sad that i didn't really know.
and i found out today that she's moving to bloomington. i'm definitely more blunt. lol. i was like "moving in with ben?" haha. and the answer was of course...yes.
i'm happy for her i guess. every so often i'll wonder if she and i will ever be friends again. but i don't think so. i think this was supposed to be my closure. so i'll stop thinking about her. well..not really stop thinking about her...just stop feeling that sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Thanks God:)
i feel bad for my mom. she still loves her to death:( nothing i can do though.
...life has turned out so strange. i never thought that years down the road i wouldn't be friends with Alison. when i looked into the future...i still saw her as my closest friend.
i knew her so well. she was my sister. and now she's just a stranger.
i kind of did a double take. i didn't know whether we were actually going to stop and talk or not. its kind of strange because just the other day i was thinking about her. and me and my mom had just been talking about her a couple days ago too.
its really strange that i still kind of know her really well. i could tell she felt awkward at first. or maybe she's just easy to read. i don't know. its something about her facial expressions.
my mom hugged her. i chose to just stand back a little bit and act distracted with seth.
we talked for a little bit. actually...when i was thinking about her the other day. i had been wondering whether she still lived at home or not as i drove by her street. and i was feeling kind of sad that i didn't really know.
and i found out today that she's moving to bloomington. i'm definitely more blunt. lol. i was like "moving in with ben?" haha. and the answer was of course...yes.
i'm happy for her i guess. every so often i'll wonder if she and i will ever be friends again. but i don't think so. i think this was supposed to be my closure. so i'll stop thinking about her. well..not really stop thinking about her...just stop feeling that sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Thanks God:)
i feel bad for my mom. she still loves her to death:( nothing i can do though.
...life has turned out so strange. i never thought that years down the road i wouldn't be friends with Alison. when i looked into the future...i still saw her as my closest friend.
i knew her so well. she was my sister. and now she's just a stranger.
boy you bring trouble.
i really want a boyfriend. i just get lonely. and thats why i want one.
but then i remember all the trouble they bring.
and suddenly i'm thankful i'm still single.
but then i remember all the trouble they bring.
and suddenly i'm thankful i'm still single.
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