i think i'm slowly losing a friend. when this kind of things happens. i let it happen. i can't stop the inevitable. i can't force something that's just not there anymore.
gosh. its been so long since i've been in this situation. i've become so different from who i used to be. sometimes i feel like that kid i used to be isn't inside me anymore. she's just a stranger that stayed for a while. and then up and left when things got hard.
but there are the little things that remind me she's still there. when i ride my bike...i'm reminded of what it was like to be free. to feel the breeze on my face. or when i see a bunch of carnival rides and the first thing i want to do is jump on every one. or just the simple things...like just wanting to frolic in the grass. just to feel the grass underneath my feet.
or when i fall for a best friend. when i know i shouldn't. but my heart is telling me its for the best and that it'd be fun. but my brain...just a little bit more grown up...says its wrong. and i need to stop right away.
i am different now. i gain friends and normally i keep them now. they aren't continuous tests that i fail. i actually excell in learning how to keep a friend. i learned to communicate. i learned to quit being so selfish. i learned to listen when i needed too. and give advice when i'm asked.
and so thats how i know that when i start to lose a friend. its because we've become different. and its neither of our faults. now its just something thats meant to be. instead of something that i caused.
and somehow. that keeps my heart from breaking. i don't think of what it'll be like not to have her in my life anymore. i think of what it was like having her in my life. and i have memories.
when all else fails..i have memories.