bryce is having a baby.
i find myself actually caring. not in a way that i want though. i knew it was going to eventually happen soon. i thought that when i'd hear the words that i'd say something along the lines like---"oh...good for him!" and then move on in a whistful kind of way without a care.
no. instead...i keep having all these flashbacks. to words we had said to each other and our times spent together.
i know now that i'm glad we didn't end up together. but at one time...my heart had actually thought that we would be married and have our own kids. i'm not sure why. i guess when you don't really know what love is...and you want is so badly...you just start to believe anything. and confuse emotions.
anyway. bottomline. he's having a kid---i'm a little sad---but i'm on my way to being over it.
i should just think positive. thank God i didn't end up with him.
he rarely made me laugh, i could never make him laugh, he didn't communicate properly...he'd just clam up whenever we'd get in a fight, he was still a child, and he was selfish....lord was he selfish. not to even mention our sex life. good lord. it was good. don't get me wrong. but sometimes...i'm not even going to say. lets just say...he didn't communicate well with that either. gawd.
anyway.
but there were other positive things about him that i did "love." obviously. or i wouldn't have been with him. i just can't remember. they were bigger things that he did. and sweet things he'd say. negative things are always so much easier to remember.
***
anyway. the thing about marriage though..is that i'm scared that i'll think its right. i'll think that this guy is "the one" (what is "the one" anyway. puhleeze.) and i'm completely wrong. and we end up divorced. i want to do this once. and make it right. i don't want to have an oops moment and have to go searching again. *sigh*
then there was times when i just don't want to get married. i'd rather be alone then face changes and rocky times. i guess i see it as...why even bother? when i know that all i'll do is get annoyed with my husband at the little things...and we'll just fight. and i know...that there are people who would rather have that then be alone too. good for them. i wish i could be like that.
i'm getting used to being single. i like the freedom. i don't have anyone to answer too. i don't have to ask my husband if its okay to get something from the store...or if i can take the car....etc etc. i can go as i please...hang out with who i want too. i don't have to worry about my husband being mad for hanging out with guys.
this is the selfish part of me. a good selfish i think. being my own person. i don't want to give up my freedom.
:(
dear God,
can i just not get married? and make me okay with that please?